What Could Have Been
by tearsofamiko
Summary: Even when it all said and done, it’s the ‘might-have-beens’ that kill you.
1. Nearly Too Late

Title: What Could Have Been

Author: Tearsofamiko

Rating: K

Disclaimer: I've looked high and low but there don't seem to be any hot federal agents hiding in my room, so I guess I don't own them.

Spoilers: _Requiem_

Summary: Even when it all said and done, it's the 'might-have-beens' that kill you.

* * *

_The cold, dark water closed around him, pulling at him. He tried, wildly threw his arms out, tried to swim down, tried to reach the car. Just as he touched the cold metal, he looked through the window and saw the blank, empty gaze meet his in the watery darkness. A scream built in his throat as he realized the truth: he was too late._

Abruptly, Tony sat upright, shocked out of sleep by the image in his dream, the ache of the unvoiced scream gripping his throat. He buried his face in his hands, panting, almost sobbing, and tried to shake off the panic. In the darkness of his bedroom, as the sweat cooled on his face, he slowly managed to separate the dream from reality. He lay back in his bed and let the relief wash over him, let it drown out the panic. And as he finally began to relax, his thoughts drifted to the day before.

It wasn't unusual for his boss to go off, half-cocked, to follow clues from his gut. Gibbs' gut was normally right, anyway, so it didn't matter if a short-cut or two were taken. This time, however, Tony had seen indications of more than just Gibbs' hunches controlling his actions. And Tony should have acted sooner on his own guess that things were – as Abby would say – hinky. As it was, he'd barely been in time.

Nothing he'd ever felt before compared to the horrible, nauseating panic that had filled him as he watched that silver car roar backward into the harbor. With the fence too tall to jump, he'd had to run through the warehouse, deal with the remaining kidnappers, and the delay tore at him. He had known he had precious little time to get to his boss and had wasted as little time as possible in getting to the harbor.

He'd barely made it in time.

The water had been so cold, stealing what little breath he had left after diving in. It had pulled at him, holding him back, but he finally reached the car.

He'd barely made it in time.

The car refused to allow him access; the doors wouldn't open and he was frantic to get inside. So he pulled the windshield away and took Maddie as Gibbs shoved her at him. Getting her on the dock had been near to impossible but he'd managed it. And when Gibbs didn't appear, he dived back in.

He'd barely made it in time.

He was moving sluggishly now, his chest burning with the effort. But he refused to dwell on it. His boss' blank eyes had nearly frozen him, but Tony shook it off and pulled him free. Swimming back to the surface had felt like swimming through syrup but he made it.

He'd moved as fast as he could but he'd barely made it in time.

Tony still wasn't sure why Gibbs was alive, not that he minded. He'd gotten him free and done CPR, but nothing really seemed to have gotten through. So Tony switched to the girl, eventually managing to get a response. And as she gasped and choked, Tony finally saw Gibbs blink and take a breath. Collapsing in on himself, Tony heard the harshness of his own breathing for the first time. When Ziva and McGee showed, he gathered himself together and took charge.

Now, though, as he lay in bed, still shaking with the nightmare's remnants, the realization that he almost had been too late washed over him, pulled him under as surely as the water in the harbor had. Despite the knowledge that Gibbs was safe – probably at home working on that damn boat – the closeness of the situation hovered like a cloud as Tony fell back to sleep.

He hadn't been too late.

But he could have been.

And the nightmares began again.


	2. Much Too Close

Title: What Could Have Been

Author: Tearsofamiko

Rating: K

Disclaimer: see first chapter

Spoilers: _Mind Games_

Summary: Even when it's all said and done, it's the 'might-have-beens' that kill you.

* * *

_**Much Too Close**_

_A/N: I'm so mean to Tony, but playing with his emotions is so much fun! :)_

He comes to get her, pulls her into his arms and holds her tight. She clings to him, unusual for her, but, after the ordeal she's been through, understandable. They stand like that for a minute, both drawing comfort from the other. It'd been too close for him, too soon after losing Kate. He doesn't want to consider what he'd have done if he couldn't save her.

She is who she is, though, and eventually she pulls away, cool and unreachable once again. He pulls out his phone and calls McGee, gets him to get a team out to process the barn. He doesn't call the EMTs, opting instead to take her down to Ducky once they get back; she agrees. As the team arrives on site, they climb in his car and drive back.

As he drives, he keeps sneaking glances at her, reassuring himself that she is, in fact, okay. She never responds, just leans her head against the window. He doesn't blame her. Concussions are bad and he's had enough to completely commiserate. It's silent in the car, but he doesn't try to break it. No, to him, it's loud and reassuring, filled with the soft sound of her breathing. He drinks it in, pulls it close, lets it soothe away the terror he felt for her. As he sits there, he lets his body switch to autopilot, trusting his reflexes to keep them safe.

It'd been so close and he needs to process it, get his head around it before they get back to headquarters. He didn't think anything would compare to the relief he felt when he got her call. After their first suspect in her abduction panned out, leaving them with only a name to work with, no location, he'd expected the worst. After all, he'd seen the pictures and with Kyle Boone, that's what was most likely. He'd resigned himself to simply finding her body, had been counting on it, when he answered his phone. And what he'd felt when her voice came through the receiver was indescribable. And, now that she's safe beside him, he tries to let go of the fear and the guilt.

"I'm sorry he got you, Paula," he tells her, not looking at her as he says it. His guilt won't let him.

"It's all right, DiNozzo," she replies, sounding tired and his heart clenches.

It'd been so close and they both knew it.

The rest of the day passes in a blur, nothing really standing out in the aftermath of his emotion. He vaguely remembers the triumph of beating Boone at his own twisted game, the relief that showed briefly in Gibbs' eyes upon seeing Paula safe again. He refuses to consider what losing Paula would have done to Gibbs; she's safe and they don't have to deal with that. Instead, they caught their man, figuratively speaking. And, after a job well done, he heads back to his apartment.

He's numb as he pulls out some cold pizza, as he showers. He knows he shouldn't be this out of it, everything turned out okay. He didn't lose her, it wasn't his fault, she was safe at home now, probably asleep under a blanket of painkillers for her injuries.

He knows this, he pulled her to safety himself.

But it had been much too close.

And now he's left to deal with it.


	3. Barely Fast Enough

Title: What Could Have Been

Author: Tearsofamiko

Rating: K

Disclaimer: See part one

Spoilers: _Kill Ari: Part 1_

Summary: Even when it all said and done, it's the 'might-have-beens' that kill you.

A/N: ^^ Yay for emotionally torturing Tony. ^^

* * *

_**Barely Fast Enough**_

Tony reached over and flipped the switch, freezing the elevator in the midst of its climb. Feeling the fine tremors run through his entire body, he leaned against the mirrored wall, the cold of the metal seeping through his shirt. Smothering a groan, he buried his face in his hands.

The memory of what had happened and what had almost happened ripped through him, tearing him apart. They replayed over and over again in his head, a permanent cycle that threatened to break him, if he let it. He'd been able to push away his emotions about what _had_ happened, but after what _could_ have happened? He let himself slide down the wall, settling himself on the floor with his legs out in front of him as the images played through his mind.

_The sound had barely registered in his mind before he threw himself across the space between them, hurling them both to the floor. He'd recognized the sound this time, remembered the whine of the bullet from earlier, cursed himself for not having noticed it up on that rooftop. Maybe it would be enough that he'd heard it this time. Maybe._

_He looked down into her wide hazel eyes, saw the almost blank look within them, and knew she hadn't yet realized what had happened. Instead, she complained about his weight, caught on that one tangent despite his asking about her welfare, despite his catching her hands and literally dragging her into the corner. His Sig appeared in his hands almost without conscious thought and he peaked through what he could see of the window. He was intent on his task, more than wanting the shooter to be visible, when he felt her hands tracing his thighs and butt._

"_Hey, is this how you deal with being shot at?" he asked her, his whisper harsh as he struggled through the emotion and physical weakness he was still dealing with after having the plague._

"_I don't know, it's my first time," she replied and he saw the realization dawn on her, saw the panic take root and start to build._

_Gibbs appeared then, plunging the lab into darkness with swift movements. He'd taken charge in an instant, despite the worry he exuded and the water that streamed from his clothes. It almost hurt to watch Abby cling to him, to have her flee to her Silver Fox even though Tony had saved her. It almost hurt, but he knew he didn't have the strength – emotional, mental, or physical – to be the rock that she needed. He let her to someone strong enough to support her and threw himself back into the job at hand with such abandon Gibbs'd had to trip him to be able to remind him to be careful. He glanced back at his boss and saw the instability in his eyes, knew what damage would have been done if Tony hadn't been fast enough, if he hadn't recognized the sound._

That knowledge haunted him now. In Gibbs' blue eyes, he'd seen desolation and half-madness, near-blind panic at the thought of losing Abby so soon after losing Kate. That sight, that bone-deep turmoil joined the other images rollicking around in his head, each with enough of an edge to shred his soul: Kate's laughing brown eyes so suddenly blanked; the barely controlled panic in Gibbs' expression as she fell to the ground between them; Kate's brave, tremulous smile as she sat under the blue lights with him – God, was it only a few weeks ago?

And that final image, the one that might have been but wasn't, the one he'd managed to prevent but so easily could have happened – Abby's beautiful hazel eyes, blank in the same way Kate's were.

He shuddered and drew in a stuttering breath, felt it catch at the back of his throat, triggering a coughing spasm that left him gasping for air. As soon as he could breathe, he launched himself off the floor and slapped the switch. He didn't need to be alone so soon after having the Plague; someone needed to be around if he passed out from air loss. And there was a job to do, a task he'd been given, justice to be dispersed. He wouldn't be able to even consider sleeping until he was sure that Abby would not end up like Kate.

He only gave himself the time it took the elevator to finish its ascent to pull himself together. McGee wouldn't be able to handle Tony without his control firmly in place and Gibbs needed his Senior Field Agent to have his head screwed on right. With shaking hands, he scrubbed at his face, wiping away any traces of emotion. By the time the door opened with their usual chime, he'd managed some semblance of calm, enough that McGee, waiting in front of the elevator doors, didn't look unduly worried. He must have caught some glimpse, though.

"Tony?" he asked. "Is everything okay?"

He told him what Gibbs had asked, made sure the order was understood. Confusion shone within the younger agent's eyes, but no part of the request was questioned. Tony figured it was just as well; the poor Probie'd take hearing that Abby was shot at better if he could see she was safe. He headed to his desk to help McGee make the arrangements for what Gibbs wanted. He could feel the emotions lurking at the edges of his mind, waiting for a weak moment to set them free. He refused to acknowledge them, but they were there: the knowledge of what had been and what could have been.

As his living nightmare continued, as he did his job and was there for those that needed him, he fought the emotion, tried to close himself off from it, to banish it completely. But it was a part of him now, as much a mark on his soul as almost dying from the Plague.

It really was his brand-new bête noir.

_Good night, Katie._

(A/N: Stupid dividers are being wonky. ::Gibbs glare:: Anyway, wow, there was. . .lots o' angst in this one. . .hmmm. . .)


End file.
